100 Days of Horror Day Eighteen: "The Fly!"

Oh, it's just another titillating Tuesday here on the farm, ladies and gents.

And is it over yet? Not by a long shot.

Well, here we are well into Week Three of this thing and yesterday I almost quit (again) just out of sheer frustration that I wouldn't be able to get to it in time. But, even after a marathon meeting in a nearby township (a 50-mile round trip, mind you), and then returning home to write the damn thing, I found myself with ample time to indulge in the "Satanic Rites of Dracula."

It's also hard to find the heart to do this when I am just ... I don't know. Unhappy? Depressed? Unenthused? Is that even a word?

It's funny - I feel depressed, but it isn't that general uneasiness that some sufferers experience. In fact I can narrow my problem down to a precise point, but it isn't something to discuss on here. I guess some things have to be private. But I want to make one thing very clear, here: this in NO WAY has to do with my penis and/or my sexual prowess. Let's be aware of that and move on.

In fact, let's move on to today's feature - the inimitable David Cronenberg's "The Fly!" This movie SCARED THE SHIT out of me as a youngster. Not like, "Oooh it's gonna get me!" scared, but still fairly disturbed. It ain't no "Nightmare on Elm Street" or "Friday the 13th." It's a serious film that wants to terrify you, not make you jump at a startling noise. I hope everyone watches and enjoys it! The Skinny below!

The Fly (1986): Directed by David Cronenberg. Starring Gena Davis, Jeff Goldblum

The Skinny: This is the remake of the original 50s sci-fi horrorfest with Vincent Price, given an ultramodern twist. Jeff Goldblum stars as Seth Brundle, a brilliant scientist on the cusp of a groundbreaking discovery – teleportation. However, when a common housefly gets into the pod with him during a test run, the promising young scientist is subject to a series of horrific changes.

What’s Good: This is the second David Cronenberg film on the list, and probably his best film until 2007’s “Eastern Promises.” And to me, this is true horror: it’s science gone wrong, it’s the frailty of the human condition, it’s creepy-crawly bugs that make me wanna sick on myself. And it’s Goldblum’s tour-de-force performance – one he has yet to even come close to topping. Yes, he’s good in “Independence Day,” yes he’s just wonderful in the “Jurassic Park” films. But goddamn it, in “The Fly,” dude simply is Seth Brundle and – ultimately – the monstrous “Brundlefly.” There’s never a moment’s hesitation in believing that Goldblum truly is the fast-talking, charismatic Brundle, including the hint of madness that plays at the edges of his every gesture and word.

What’s Bad: Not a damn thing. Gory? Disturbing? Graphic? Yes. And all plusses in this category. I have nothing bad to say about this film, except it spawned a very inferior sequel, so don’t bother with it, Even if it has Eric Stoltz in it.

Why We Love It: Jeff Goldblum makes the movie. In the few brief moments he is offscreen, you can’t wait for him to return. Also, the special effects were top of the line for the time, and the final product of Brundlefly and the transportation pod fused into one is one of the more horrific sights you’ll even encounter in cinema. Not enough good things can be said about this movie.

Memorable Stuf: When Brundlefly/pod creature places the end of a shotgun to it’s head and bids Davis to pull the trigger, you can see the anguish and pain in the “creature’s” eyes. It’s haunting and sticks with you for days.

100 Days of Horror Day Seventeen - "The Satanic Rites of Dracula."

Hey everyone. This is sadly another brief entry today - there is simply too much to do at work. Also, I am not in the mood to write anyway (sucks that that is exactly my job), as my wife is not feeling well and her health is first and foremost on my mind, not horror movies.

Let's hope that she improves soon and that I find some inspiration tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's today's movie - one of my favorite Vampire flicks. The skinny below.

The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1974): Directed by. Starring Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee and Joanna Lumley.

The Skinny: One of seven in a series of Dracula by UK movie house Hammers, starring Christopher Lee as the Count and Peter Cushing as his nemesis, usually a descendant of Van Helsing. .”Satanic Rites” follows a group of secret agents battling an underground cult that worships the Count and help him exact his revenge on the human race via a new virulent strain of the Bubonic Plague.

What’s Good: Any of the Hammer Dracula films are great, if you ask me. Lee is a great Count Dracula, finding both the sensuality and the menace of the character that so far only Bela Lugosi seemed able to balance. The things I like about this and the other Hammer films, however, is the seriousness with which the material is treated. Everyone acts – or overacts – their heart out, the music is pure drama/camp and the cinematography … don’t get me started. The Hammer films have a habit of filming night scenes in the day to avoid the pricing lighting required for a night shoot. Instead, they slap a filter on the camera that makes the intruding sunlight curiously gray but still clearly sunlight. That takes balls.

What’s Bad: See above; this is one of those “so good it’s bad” movies, to be sure. But don’t knock it until you’ve seen it. Like three or four times.

Why We Like It: Christopher Lee, baby. Even when they barely use him in the film, you can’t wait until he comes around and when he does, you scream, and shout and point and go “THERE HE IS!” He’s just that awesome. Plus there’s a 70s disco soundtrack, mod costumes, secret agents, vampires, plagues, Joanna Lumley! This one is gravy on biscuits, people.

Memorable Stuff: Secret agents battling it out with the vampires is pretty hot. But the best is when Cushing leads Lee into a snaggle of Hawthorne bushes and once he is sufficiently snared, Cushing unleashes the stake on Drac’s ass for like the one millionth time. It’s still gold, every time.

100 Days of Horror Day Sixteen - "Prince Of Darkness!"

Today is one of those days where I'd like to curl up in bed and watch "The X-Files" all day. It's nice and depressing and suits my current mood perfectly. But no, I got out of bed - in a grumpy mood, mind you - and tried to get on with my day, but it's been shitty no matter what I do. And nothing seems to be going my way, wah wah wah, why me? Pity party in my pants - no one's invited!

Anyway, here's today's movie. Maybe tomorrow I'll be back in the swing.

Prince of Darkness (1987): Directed by John Carpenter. Starring Donald Pleasance, James Wong, Jameson Parker.

The Skinny: One of the three movies that director John Carpenter refers to as his “Apocalypse Trilogy,” this muddled mess of a movie follows a team of scientists teaming with members of the clergy to explore the contents of an ageless vat contained in the basement of a church. As the team members succumb to madness and violence, the reality of the vat’s contents becomes something so bizarre that no one would ever have suspected the truth.

What’s Good: Good question. Carpenter’s movies are frustrating in their inconsistency and this is a shining example. No one expects a director not to evolve or take on other genres, but in Carpenter’s case, many of his post-“Halloween” productions are poorly fleshed out, leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth. That all said, I still enjoy his films (well, most of them), and this is no exception. It’s a good idea, really – ancient evil bound at the molecular level, a sort of Antichrist anti-matter. But, that’s all we really get out of it. The premise goes undeveloped for most of the film … but wait, I’m supposed to be talking about good things here! It is atmospheric and disjointed, and that’s good when you’re looking for a movie to watch when you’re out of your mind on booze, drugs or both. And uh … well, there’s some other stuff in there as well, I’m sure.

What’s Bad: Now I can write something! See, as someone who has dabbled in screenwriting, the whole thing begins with the story and at times, it seems like “Prince of Darkness” abandons that premise for the sake of being strange. It’s as if it were written on the fly … “and let’s throw in some homeless people! And strange dreams! Yeah! And – ooh! Transmissions from the future! Yes! Gold!” Also, there isn’t one character in the whole film that you can identify with or give two shits in a tin bucket about. Even the always solid Donald Pleasance looks lost and uncomfortable throughout, as if he were waiting for Carpenter to suddenly say, “It’s okay, Don – this was all an elaborate joke! There isn’t even any film in the cameras!”

Why We Like It: Like I said, I actually do like it. I liked all of Carpenter’s films up to a certain point, but he lost me with “Ghosts of Mars.” I see some of myself in Carpenter, inasmuch that I often come up with ideas for stories and they never seem to flesh out. But he isn’t going to let that stop him. He’s got a budget and some actors and a studio to distribute the fucker when it’s done, and he’s gonna put it out there no matter what. I have to admire that. Sometimes it works – “Big Trouble in Little China,” for example – and sometimes it sucks so bad it’s great – “They Live,” with Rowdy Roddy Piper. But this movie is a masterpiece of half-baked ideas and great “What-if’s” and that’s it. Yet, I stiff find myself watching it. Why? Hell I have no idea.

Memorable Stuff: The most memorable thing for me are the dream transmissions that the characters start receiving – supposedly transmissions from the future trying to stop their experiments now before it’s too late. It’s a bizarre blend of science fiction and techno-horror, featuring astronaut-looking beings in biosuits and stone angels and other wacky imagery and they sort of sum up this entire feature. It’s all a strange blend of many ideas and textures and sometimes they work and sometimes it’s so bad … well, let’s leave it at that.

100 Days of Horror Day Fifteen - "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!"

Oh my god am I tired.

Yesterday was my birthday and just about every damn person I ever wanted to see in my life was here last night - past and present. I swear, I can think of maybe five people that weren't here that I would have wanted to see, but that's all. And it showed me how cool and eclectic a group of friends I really have. And sexy ... damn they are sexy.

We also had a full house for "House of 1,000 Corpses," which was thoroughly enjoyed by all. People were whooping and hollering and cackling and it was one good fucking time.

So excuse the brevity of today's entry, as I am in recovery. But I am still watching these damn movies! In fact I am watching today's entry as I type! The Skinny below!

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1970): Directed by Tobe Hooper. Starring Marilyn Burns, Edwin Neal, Gunnar Hansen,

The Skinny: Like “Psycho,” this is one of those movies that has become such an icon that even though most people recognize elements of the film, they have no idea what it’s really about. “Massacre” follows a young girl and her friend as they return to her hometown to investigate the vandalism of her grandfather’s grave. After they pick up a strange hitchhiker, they find themselves lost near a seemingly abandoned farm. In reality, the family living there are savage backwoods cannibals.

What’s Good: It could be argued that “Massacre” influenced horror films for the next 30-plus years. It introduced slasher staples like a hulking, seemingly unstoppable antagonist, the casting of unknown actors, a shoestring budget production. Plus there’s the element of power tools and farm equipment as the instruments of death. And director Tobe Hooper – who marketed the film with the tagline “the film you are about to see is based on true events” – treats the material like a documentary. The action just happen, and often times, the camera is static until it’s time for the next scene. The great thing about the movie, however, is the way it never answers any questions. You get the feeling that this has been going on for quite some time and it is gonna keep right on happening after the movie is through.

What’s Bad: Well, some of the above elements – the cheap budget and unknown talent – are enough to turn most people off. And for a film called the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” there is very little graphic violence – in fact, it’s more disturbing than anything. People are hanged on meat hooks and bashed in the head with hammers, but not with the splatter of blood and chunky brain matter that its descendants would soon show.

Why We Like It: It’s a classic. There are elements to this production that virtually every aspiring “serious” horror director has tried to replicate: the family of freaks, the casual dialogue, the unstoppable monster, the carnal violence, et cetera. But Hooper did it best and all others have been a pale comparison. Certain elements like the use of freaky sounds on the score and the flash shots of defiled corpses and bone-scattered floors never fails to creep me out.

Memorable Stuff: The first time we see killer Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) when he charges from a hidden door, gibbering and screaming nonsense is jarring and unforgettable. And Edwin Nash’s hitchhiker freak is every kind driver’s nightmare – some weird asshole with disturbing stories and a straight razor.

100 Days of Horror Day Fourteen (The Birthday Edition) - "House of 1,000 Corpses!"

Greetings from the grave, one and to all.

Yes today is my 338th birthday, and I'm coming to some startling conclusions.

Many friends have been leaving me messages on my Facebook wishing me a happy birthday. But they're also leaving a disturbing picture of me behind them in the wake of their kindness.

It started when one friend jokingly said, "I don't have a lot of bail money, so don't get into too much trouble!" I "lol'd" and said something semi-witty back and that was it. Then, as more friends added their greetings and wishes, a pattern started to emerge, Agent Scully: "Happy birthday you degenerate bastard!"; "Happy Birthday you dirty old bastard;" "Make tonight one for the record books" (that from my wife!); "Time to kick back the absinthe!"; "I know it will be one to remember (maybe!)"; "It's your birthday, go crazy ... oh wait, you go crazy on a daily basis!" And the topper - "Don't scare too many children this year!"

Now ... there were also some nice, polite ones, and even a "sexy bastard" greeting (except that was from a man). But those other ones ... my god, what kind of person am I?! I suddenly felt like Jim Morrison, coming to the realization that he had pushed all the boundaries - sex, drugs, rock n roll - and now felt that only his death would do. "Teenage death girls want my death not my cock!"

Oh my god, these people want me do die!

I kid, I know no one wants me to die, heh ... right?

Or is it that all these people just know me too damn well - even people I barely know?!

Damn that's just frightening.

But not as frightening as tonight's movie! (Ooh, the power of the segue!)

Not only is tonight's main selection, "House of 1,000 Corpses," one of my favorites, it is joined in a Triple Feature with "Transylvania 6-5000" and "Once Bitten," both comedies that parody the horror genre. "T6-5000" stars Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley, Jr. as two journalists working for a tabloid that are sent to Transylvania to find the source of a tape that seems to indicate there really is a Frankenstein's Monster terrorizing the countryside. Michael Richards (Kramer of "Seinfeld" fame) plays a flunky at the hotel and he is utterly hilarious, bringing his physical schtick on years before Kramer ever made an appearance. "Once Bitten" is an early Jim Carrey vehicle that also stars Lauren Hutton as an aging vampire who needs the blood of a virgin, and Cleavon Little as her gay butler. Of course, Carrey is the virgin she goes after, but the real funny is Little, who lilts around in scarves, rollerskates through a foggy bistro playing an accordion and many other tasty visual treats.

These are two of my favorite cheesy comedies right beside one of my all-time favorite horror movies! The skinny below!

And also ... thank you to everyone for your birthday wishes! If I used your quote in this blog, it was all in humor and I thank you for the time!

House of 1,000 Corpses (2005): Directed by Rob Zombie. Starring Sid Haig, Sherry Moon Zombie, Rainn Wilson and Bill Mosley

The Skinny: It took industrial rocker Rob Zombie more than a few years to get this cult film to the silver screen, fighting a sea of suits trying to take its teeth out and smooth it into a PG-13 will less gore and violence. Thank god he didn’t buckle. “Corpses” is about a group of college students touring roadside attractions who get lost and wind up victims of the most twisted family of serial killers since “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

What’s Good: The movie is pure horror camp, just like the best of Zombie’s music. It has a bit of everything but not in a “throw it all and see what sticks” fashion. Rather, Zombie wears his influences on his sleeve and with total pride, so it’s a little bit “Hills Have Eyes,” a little bit “Massacre,” and a whole lot of Zombie. Also, he unearths a gem of an actor who once starred in 60s era cult film “Spider Baby,” by the name of Sid Haig. His Captain Spaulding clown character is both charming and vicious, and he is so teasingly used that you practically scream for more. It wouldn’t be until its sequel “The Devil’s Rejects,” when Haig really gets to chew the scenery and deliver funny line after funny line, that the character’s true personality comes through.

What’s Bad: The aforementioned gore and violence comes to mind. This is not your average horror movie, folks – it was aimed for a market of viewers who enjoy the schlock of bad 70s horror films that tried so hard they wind up being good. To that end, the violence is stylized and glorified and includes things like skinning a man and using his face as a mask to psychologically torture the dead man’s daughter. Yeah, it’s like that and that’s the way it is.

Why We like It: WE LOVE IT! See, we are the target audience here – we get the references, we get the humor and we get the goddamn point. Plus, Zombie knows when to abandon the comedic for the serious and, ultimately, the disturbing. As the movie spirals towards the jarring conclusion, the true sadistic side of the Firefly Clan comes to the fore, and it’s as disturbing as modern horror gets.

Memorable Stuff: Any scene with Cap’t Spaulding is great – he has most of the funny lines in the movie, and Haig delivers the lines with a seemingly innate sense of comedic timing. In fact, the entire cast shines, particularly Karen Black as Mother Firefly, in a nuanced performance that somehow manages to be sleazy and sexy all at once. And Bill Mosley as Otis gets to be as creepy as they come. This is one of my all-tome faves.

100 Days of Horror Day Thirteen - "Videodrome!"

Blessings from Dead Heaven, my morbid maniacs.

It's almost 7:30, and I've been up for like three hours. I get like this sometimes when I'm on the cusp of exciting things, and today seems no exception.

Last night was great - a very good friend came by to watch "The Hunger" with us and we found ourselves a little blown away by the film. It's a lot more sexually graphic than I remember it being. Also, long ... oh my god is it long. My friend noted, "I thought it was going to end right after Bowie died - and that was really early on!" It also has quite a few "Blade Runner" kind of visuals - no real surprise, since the two directors are brothers. But overall I enjoyed the movie, and I enjoyed the company I watched it with. It's good to have a bit of running commentary at times, because it gives me a sense of what other people think about the piece. Also, Phil is pretty goddamn clever.

So, this excitement of which I speak ... I have no idea what it stems from. I mean, tomorrow is my birthday and all, and I am planning in getting thrashed, but that's a whole day away. But it could be that, even though I don't usually get excited about my birthday. It could be the prospect of getting paid early (I am so damn broke right now - anyone wanna buy a gal a latte?) It could be that I might be going out tonight for drinks and karaoke (something I never ever get to do).

Or it could be today's movie, gentle readers.

"Videodrome" as I explain below is one of my favorite movies not only in teh genre but maybe on the all-time list. It's David Cronenberg, it's James Woods, it's Debbie Harry burning her titties with cigarettes ... oh man, I think I honestly cannot wait to watch this fucker!

Check it all out below ... and thanks again for reading.

Videodrome (1983): Directed by David Cronenberg. Starring James Woods, Debra Harry,

The Skinny: One of Cronenberg’s early entries in what became a series of films exploring the horrors of the human condition (including “Scanners” and later “The Fly,” both on which are on this list). James Woods stars as the owner of a cable station who finds a pirated signal broadcasting bizarre torture porn. As he tries to discover the source, he encounters a world of strange, hallucinatory sex, violence and tumor-causing broadcasts that seek to transform us into the New Flesh.

What’s Good: I think this is the first film on the list so far where I didn’t have to consult Wikipedia for the background info. It’s has to be in my top ten horror movies – if I ever were to make such a list. In fact, I think a few of Cronenberg’s films would be on that list, because for a while there the man was on quite a roll. And this film is super-strange: in one scene, Woods inserts a videocassette into a vagina-like wound in his side and in another scene, a gun he hides in the same wound becomes fused to his hand. It’s a theme of modification that would continue in Cronenberg’s work all the way up to 1998’s “ExisTenz,” where people can jack in to what is essentially a MMPORG with “wetware” fused into their bodies. Add to that the weird sex, insane violence and clever names like “Barry Convex” and “Brian O’Blivion,” and it’s a perfect blend of techno-horror and 80s-era sci-fi madness.

What’s Bad: It’s intense, it’s vivid and it’s gross: people’s heads explode with disfiguring tumors and insert various objects into vaginal-looking wounds. Also, Debbie “Blondie” Harry is a self-harm practitioner who burns her breasts with cigarettes and encouraged Woods to play along. So, yeah – it’s kind of sleazy and tasteless, so if that’s not what you’re after, then you should definitely look somewhere else for your entertainment.

Why We Like It: Pretty much for the very reasons mentioned above. It’s sleazy, exploitive, 80s-paranoid, hallucinatory gold, baby. Woods is at his insane best, shouting and running around killing people with his gunhand, and Harry is hypnotic as she whispers from a television screen, telling Woods to kill, fuck, eat, sleep and insert beta cassettes into his new abdominal vag. Man, what’s not to love?

Memorable Stuff: Like I said – abdominal vagina. Plus, the Snuff TV show broadcast on the Videodrome signal is well far the way out there and beyond disturbing. Thankfully it’s only given to us in short little bursts. And of course, Woods’ signature line, delivered several times towards the end, has inspired many an industrial band and DJ to incorporate it into their stuff. “DEATH TO VIDEODROME! LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH!”

100 Days of Horror Day Twelve - "The Hunger!"

Greetings from the graveside, my morbid mates!

And enough alliteration for the day already.

This is a brief one today - it took all I had to crawl out of bed and locate the laptop. I'm tired and somewhat hungover since I celebrated my friend's return home last night with a few beers and a viewing of "Bubba Ho-Tep," which is still a classic in my book (thank you Bruce Campbell).

Anyway, today's film is not for every taste. It has the potential to suck you in if you like vampires (and who doesn't), but like Kathryn Bigelow's 1987 "Near Dark," this film explores a different side of the vampire myth. No not so much with the fangs and the capes and the flying and the hypnotic stares. It's also a meditation on aging and vanity, perfectly reflected in Catherine Deneuve's subtle performance. The skinny below.

Thanks again for reading, friends. I love you all dearly.

The Hunger (1983): Directed by Tony Scott. Starring Catherine Deneuve, David Bowie and Susan Sarandon.

The Skinny: An early vehicle for Tony Scott’s prodigious career, “The Hunger” follows Deneuve as Miriam, an ancient vampire living on the fringes of the Goth subculture in NYC with her lover John, a musician from the 1800s. The only problem is, Miriam’s lovers all seem to start aging rapidly while retaining their immortality. She seeks out the assistance of an aging specialist (Sarandon) in hopes of reversing the effect.

What’s Good: Director Scott would eventually go on to helm one of Hollywood’s biggest blockbusters of all time, “Top Gun.” But before Maverick and Iceman, Scott adapted Whitley Striber’s vampiric novel for the big screen to some limited success. While not a traditional vampire movie, it is best known for its moody lighting, its atmosphere and its glaring look at the emergent Goth culture. Deneuve is always lovely to look at, and Bowie is quite underrated as an actor. It’s also well known for its lengthy intro scene where “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” plays over shots of club life and glam folks.

What’s Bad: Pacing, lighting and a pat ending that was left ambiguous for potential sequels (instead, there was a horror anthology-style television show of the same name). Also, there are stretches of the film with sparse if any dialogue, and those scenes aren’t exactly bolstered by the visuals either, leaving you plenty of time to nod off and sleep through the crappy ending.

Why We Like It: It’s a very moody film, which I appreciate, but for the most part it’s the type of movie I find myself putting in at the end of the night after I’ve been partying it up and now it’s time to … I don’t know, smoke some opium and nod off until you fall off the sofa. It isn’t a bad film, in any sense, but it is definitely a “cult film” inasmuch as it isn’t built for mainstream audiences – something Scott would no long have a problem with just three years later with “Top Gun.”

Memorable Stuff: As her lovers age yet still function, Miriam stores them in caskets in her luxurious apartment. The sight of a withered Bowie stuffed into a wooden box is haunting to say the least. And the performances are all fairly credible, especially Bowie and Sarandon, who does the best she can with a role that others would have played far less seriously. Also … hot lesbian seduction scene between Sarandon and Deneuve. Who can beat that shit? Surely not me.